I’ve been in contract talks with Jacobin about overseeing their investigative journalism department. Unfortunately, they can’t quite afford me yet. Here’s what they’re missing out on.

1. My contacts on the dark web keep telling me about the underground tunnel network that connects all major cities. I’m thinking that must require millions of workers to build and maintain. Are they unionized? Are they planning a strike? Where are the labor journalists on this? Hire me, and I’ll see what’s really going on here.

2. I’ve heard that undercover police will even sleep with activists and fabricate whole relationships to get close to their targets. But what’s the scale of this problem? I’d send out a survey to Jacobin readers that asks them which former partners of theirs exhibited cop-like behavior. Then we’ll print debates between these couples to get closer to the truth.

3. It’s widely known that airplanes spray chemtrails in a secret government weather-control program. Here’s my guess: Jimmy Carter approved airline deregulation on the condition that these companies play ball on fighting climate change. The chemtrails must be trying to cool the planet. Did Ronald Reagan break the air traffic controllers’ union because they were going to spill the beans? Cover my expenses for three months, no questions asked, and I’ll find out.

4. A little birdie told me that certain labor activists are trying to “organize the whole worker.” My hunch is that this is some drug that lets us use 100 percent of our brains. Imagine how fast someone with limitless brainpower could get their coworkers to sign union cards. I’ll go undercover at Starbucks for a year until I gain the union’s trust and get the real story here.

5. My independent scholarship on the Federal Reserve has revealed that they are sitting on trillions of dollars in government bonds. What are those savings for? What are they so afraid of? Rent me a condo in Manhattan, and I’ll snoop around Wall Street to find out.

6. I noticed some graffiti in a picture from May 1968 that said something like “Under the paving stones, the beach!” My best guess is that this is a clue to a treasure hunt. Send me to Paris with a dig team, and let me see what I can find down there. Jacobin gets half of what I find before I take off to some tropical paradise.

7. I’ve long suspected that grocery store chains are fixing their prices. Here’s the plan: Jacobin gives me an expense account, and I’ll buy a whole lot of food for me and my friends. After a few months of this, the grocers will trust me as a top customer. Maybe we’ll become friends, and maybe they’ll let slip what laws they are breaking and how.

8. The wars of tomorrow will be fought over information. I’ll infiltrate a state-sponsored hacker network and expose the realities of cyberwar. And if I happen upon the subscriber databases of a few other magazines, maybe Jacobin will kick me a few bucks.

9. Jimmy Hoffa disappeared in 1975 — almost exactly as neoliberalism began to take hold as a global regime of capital. What did Hoffa know? Was he trying to stop it? I’ll use the tools of the digital humanities to sift through his public statements for evidence that the CIA wanted him shut up before they placed Reagan in power.

10. My deep dive into Japan suggests that they are dead set on provoking a third world war. NATO, BRICS, and other formations are simply their playthings in a century-long plan. If you take me on staff, I’ll scour social media for evidence of Tokyo’s plot. And you can print my sketches of the giant mech suits I believe they are building.

Help Jacobin hire me. There’s a lot we can uncover together.