A chicken in every pot. An electric vehicle in every mixed-use communal garage. Party cards for the whole party. Not the half loaf — the whole loaf. Socialist politics without cringe. These are the Jacobin campaign pledges we make to you.

It’s election season here, and we’re running a full-court press to flip every state in the nation bright red. While Democrats are ready to cart Joe Biden around the country to stave off the next round of ghouls waiting in the wings, we’re out here shaking hands (then Purell-ing hands), kissing babies (then Purell-ing babies), and promising final say in all cabinet selections to whichever certified Joe Sixpack or Wounded Warrior happens to catch us in a crucial CNN photo op.

What do we want? Medicare for all (duh). Jobs for all (of course). Peace for all mankind (noice!). But we’re socialists — we’re not going to stop there! We’re offering a new ten-point party program: