The new Disney live-action remake of Walt Disney’s 1940 animated masterpiece Pinocchio is just as bad as you may have heard. An ugly hybrid of a few live-action elements floating in a sea of mediocre CGI, it features Tom Hanks in a grotesque performance as Geppetto, the old Italian woodcarver who makes a wooden puppet and is so pleased with the lifelike toy, he wishes it could be a real boy. Since the Blue Fairy (Cynthia Erivo) just happens to hear his wish, she gives life to the puppet called Pinocchio, but tells the puppet he must prove himself to be honest, brave, and unselfish before he can be a real boy.

The movie is full of explanations of things that don’t need to be explained — such as the meaning of the name “Pinocchio” — and only become weirder the more you explain them. It seems, in this version, Geppetto’s own son died, and there’s a photo of the boy on his workbench, dressed in Tyrolean costume just like Pinocchio is. Great! A puppet modeled on his dead son, a perfect premise for a horror film!

Oh, and Geppetto’s wife died too, of course. I guess we should be grateful whatever killed them wasn’t shown in detailed flashback, so we’d have all the facts. And the deceased wife used to love all the amazing clocks Geppetto carves, so now he won’t sell any of them, because I guess director Robert Zemeckis and screenwriter Chris Weitz felt there had to be an explanation as to why there are so many clocks in Geppetto’s workshop in the 1940 film version they’re ripping off relentlessly in a typical Disney cash grab. Were Zemeckis and Weitz worrying whether audiences might wonder if Geppetto is a bad salesman, or come to the erroneous conclusion that nobody wants clocks in that town for strange religious reasons, unless the number of clocks on the walls are explained?