As professional health care slips further out of reach for ordinary Americans, a new breed of imitator is emerging from the void. He promises to eliminate mysterious toxins with one weird trick, to harness your self-healing energy with a single weekend seminar, and to reboot your endorphins and unleash powerful antibodies with a bottle of supplements that costs less than your co-pay (shipping not included).

This swindler goes by many names, and one of those names is Tom Brady.

The NFL player’s new book The TB12 Method: How to Achieve a Lifetime of Sustained Peak Performance is macho gibberish — an Axe commercial on an acid trip. Perform front-facing core angels with sheathed resistance bands to maintain optimal pliability, and remember that the goal of pliability and its amplifiers is optimal strength. Accelerating and decelerating muscle groups must be kept long and conditioned aerobically, attending to the difference between load and resistance. “In short, I train the way I want to play,” Brady says. “That’s why I’ll end up playing the way I train.”